félicité nivea

I woke up from a singularly bad dream the morning of the 24th of October shortly before 06:00 AM ; and I have to say through this one that I’ve been dealing with a quite sparse and malignous sentiment of alienation since last month in regards to the aftermath of the LSD stuff that I’ll try to lay bare thereafter.

I found myself in a quite unidentifiable place like a narrow studio with walls of smooth concrete and a high ceiling ; and there was a very tall woman with me who looked quite clearly asian, dressed in something like an elegant black outfit. In fact she looked quite abnormally tall — not the height I imagine Felicia would be. I don’t exactly know what I was doing with her, but I was facing herself like she was cornering me in an angle of the room. After this it’s like she faded into an Android tablet (perhaps mine) that was placed on a counter in front of a wall behind her ; and I was looking at her images on a list like in Google Images. Then it felt like she suddenly refused me somehow ; and I wept profoundly, left alone and devastated by what felt like a nameless and wordless loss.

After this sequence, there was a last one where I somehow came across my grand-mother who passed away last April, like I just found her by chance : She was sat alone on a chair in a very felt space looking like an isolated platform in an airport with many columns and rows of connected chairs, and it felt like she was still alive in the dream to me. Then my mother alongside another woman (my aunt ?) arrived in the room and she felt surprised and happy to find her here, so it was quite a reassuring scene.

The part with the tall woman who refused me messed with me quite a lot : I woke up with a cold heart and the kind of deep sterilizing feeling that I had during the few accesses of anxiety and paranoia following my last trip on LSD. (Something that I wouldn’t recommend so much anymore with further hindsight.)

I have to give some context about this trip after more than a month of hindsight : The two first weeks went fine after the trip and I could enjoy a short but normal stay in Aosta from the 6th to the 8th. However back in my village, I had to take care of the cat of my relative for 3 days, so I was back at one of the place where I had the trip and it’s early offset ; and there I experienced further anxiety, as if I was reliving the trip somehow, in addition to some kind of paranoia during these 3 days, that went on the weeks after along accesses of deep despair or existential dread in regards to Felicia.

In parallel, I was just having series of dreams about mockery, humiliation, sadness and guilt for example, like expressions of sentiments of inferiority and most importantly learned helplessness ; heavy things that I lived and had to endure punctually all throughout my youth, at school, at home, in the streets ; and up to this day on the internet through some recent interractions and other. The insidious « judgemental reflex » was also back to haunt me mostly at night. Few days after this dream, other strange stuff occured like seeing people and places while drowsy and hearing music at the end of dreams.

So it felt like I contracted some sort of multi-layered increase of sensitivies I had a difficult time to become aware of ; not only the senses for two weeks after the trip, but also ongoing mental / psychological sensitivity (not in a necessarily good way) that I wasn’t accustomed to. And dreams-wise it felt like I had to be careful about what I was thinking or feeling before falling asleep.

It wasn’t clear at all that it could have been Felicia in this dream ; and it most likely wasn’t her since the young woman didn’t say a word to me, didn’t looked like her (in the January of 2024 dream too, but it was to sneak up on me in more than one way I believe) and wasn’t transpiring her familiarity and personality unlike in the dreams I’ve had with her the past two years, where she was accepting and attentive toward myself, and loving to say the least in the one of January 2024. I don’t know if this could be related, but I came across 3 very tall women in Japan during my two last trips over here, one in Okinawa and two in Tokyo, two of who I haven’t heard speaking at the cash counter at their stores (in fact the asian woman in this dream felt like a mix of both), and it could have been about these encounters that I was attracted and intimidated by.

After the dream, I felt lost once again, and I suddenly stopped to do things I used to enjoy. Moreover I was dealing with something like a lowered temperature in the heart, as if it became a vulgar piece of meat in a fridge, and as if it could have been a life-threatening condition, thus for a full week.