félicité nivea

Coming home from the bar at night by 06:00 PM after a day spent in my bed submersed by the sensation of unerasable cold in my heart following the dream about the « confusing refusal », I went back to bed after a failed attempt to lit the chimney, contenting myself of a hot water bottle under my bed sheets. Some people and kids were starting to make noises in the streets for a Halloween party, talking, shouting annoyingly. And I somehow fell asleep by 07:00 to 08:00 PM.

I was in my bedroom at my parents house in France in this dream : There was one of the wide wooden table / desktop I used to have set in the middle of the room with 3 devices on it, two of which I can’t recall what they were, videogame consoles possibly, the other one being my most recent laptop. There was my first owned cat who was sat on the table as well : Too close to the computer, she was blocking the left fan area of the device that started to make a concerning noise, so I grabbed her to make her leave the place like I used to do sometimes after she did a gaffe in the room, opening the bedroom’s entry door to oust her. Then there was some concern about packing few items like clothes to go to the private clinic I’ve been to for 3 weeks in August 2020 ; in fact it was the last thing I’ve done in this room before I went here and moved to Italy next month.

After this sequence, I was somehow watching a video, was it on my laptop or not : And it was about a skateboarding race event set on a track made of professional equipments or materials, with smooth wooden ramps and half-pipes. There was even Tony Hawk among the ones participating in the race. (I used to love Neversoft’s videogame franchise since Pro Skater 4, that I discovered by chance in early or mid 2003 on Gamecube, and I replayed some of these games recently in early October.)

In one corner of the race track, some people were sat on tribunes to enjoy the event from a vantage point ; and from afar I recognized Avril Lavigne who was « hidden » among a rather light crowd, like it was all organized between a large enough gathering of some dozens of friends or participants.

Following the race-like event, an indoors casual group chat went on like set in a hangar, still in the form of a video footage from the early 2000s ; and Avril was invited in the talk next to Tony Hawk. She had the hairstyle she used to have in 2007 with the hairs bleached and a long fushia pink strand on the front side, on her left for instance, but the hairs were styled quite behind the ears rather than all falling on the sides of the forehead like well ironed curtains.

She was having a talk when she went silent to slowly stare at me. As if it suddenly went from a video recording to someone actually looking at me, taking me by surprise in a profound way. And her eyes, as most likely the most detailed ones I’ve ever seen so far in a dream like through a macro photograph or film, were big and very light sky blue, their pupils very thin and the outer edges of their irises devoided of darkened contours. (Akin to the eyes of my sketchy 3D model of Felicia from this year.) Like it was instead someone else’s eyes, considering me deeply, delving into my mind in complete silence all of a sudden.

I woke up by 09:30 PM from this. Outside, kids were still having fun, running, shouting, throwing firecrackers in the streets to scare the neighborhood. And I fell back asleep toward midnight after the nightly mess ended ; then I woke up around 05:00 AM with no dream in particular to remember. Only then I started to take notes about this dream of Avril Lavigne (or seemingly her) staring at me suddenly in silence.

Admitedly, I was more or less fan of Avril at the time when she became popular in late 2002, certainly sometime in 2003-2004 for my part. (« I’m With You » and « Losing Grip » were my favourites from her.) I never imagined myself having any relationship with her otherwise, and I think I’ve never dreamt of her until now, or if I did as a teen it wouldn’t have been anything significant to remember about. I almost never dream about celebrities in fact, something like less than one time a year ; but there were two of them in this dream, and it was the first time I dreamt of Tony Hawk.

Avril Lavigne may have had a little resemblance to Felicia in terms of facial features back then, but Felicia was very tall, so much so that she had to bend her torso to kiss me, physically « mature », had a ponytail (that I haven’t saw Avril wear back then), big blue eyes, spoke to me in French like she still did 3 times in my recent dreams of her.

I’m not sure what to make of this one… For now I’m tempted to think that I was somehow « considered » once again, after a full week of silent and relentless existential dread in regards to Felicia. And I tell myself that Avril Lavigne was « used » as a once familiar figure to sneak up on me in a particular way once more, to manifest some consideration and presence indirectly. At least that’s my hope. All I can say is that my existential turmoil seem to have faded away overnight. I also find this interesting to have had this one on Halloween through an easy sleep I’m not used to have, plus in the middle of a Halloween party, and just a week after the one that made me existentially upset… However I’ll keep some reservations until another time hopefully…